Tuesday, December 14, 2010

Are You Going To Eat That?

Okay, so I my wife started laughing at me when I made myself the snack photographed above. I'm not sure what she found funny about it, and she refused to tell me. All she would say is "I can't believe you are having that." I don't know if she were referring to calories, cold weather, or what...but I'm sure I'm being oppressed.

Oh well, it doesn't matter.

First of all, I am off all my diets till New Years. I hereby resolve to spend the next two weeks getting so fat that Santa will slink away in shame when he enters my enormous shadow. I intend to be so glutenized that my IQ will rival those of people famously named Gomer, Jethro, and Reverend Jim. I'm going to have my blood sugar so high that any mosquito stupid enough to bite me will die of hyperglycemic shock before they can pull out. When I run out of fingers and toes, I'll just start counting chins. Yesiree, they won't be able to get me near a beach without the tide coming in.

And I feel pretty good about it.

So as long as people keep fingers and small children from between me and the munchies, it's all going to work out fine :)

Come January, I'll have a whole new set of resolutions designed to improve me as an author, a husband, and a human being...and I will be sure and flog myself for all the gluttonous debauchery I indulged in over the holidays...but until that time I figure that I need to do something to repent of first. Then I'll go back to counting calories, carbs, gluten content, etc.

Besides, I need to build up energy for my next assault on the malls. I figure I can't fall down an escalator if my butt won't fit between the walls of the thing. Then I can just thunder through the place picking those last presents, while mothers clutch their children close to keep them from being squished by the lumbering menace as I go by. Which reminds me, I need to check out what restaurants are in that mall. I'm a man on a mission!

So Merry Christmas, folks! The Time of Good Cheer (and guilt free indulgence) is upon us!


  1. ROLMHO!!!! And what's on the menu for Writers' Night Out, tomorrow??????? Skip the meal and just go for the chocolate sundae? LOL

  2. Wow, the image of you thundering through the mall. Good thing no one was in the office while I was reading that!!! LOL. Enjoy, brother.

  3. Be careful that your gravity well doesn't capture any extra children into your orbit.